We’re back for the final round of the Mogadorian Fighter Challenge! Will Superman or the Doctor, as played by the inimitable Tom Baker, reign supreme? First we’ll hear from our fearless analysts and commentators, Dan and Robison Wells. But of course, no discussion about Mogadorians would be complete without our guest of honor–Pittacus Lore himself! Read on, I AM NUMBER FOUR fans.
Dan: This is an interesting fight, because they’re both aliens.
Rob: Weird. They’re also both the kind of people who try to talk things out before fighting.
Dan: Yes. But if it comes to fighting, Superman is going to win.
Rob: Yes, but whenever Superman falters, whenever he has a real problem in any of the comic books or movies, it’s because he’s been out-thought. And if there’s anyone who can out-think Superman, it’s the Doctor.
Dan: Exactly. All the early stuff, the talking and the planning, the Doctor’sgoing to do a better job of that than Superman is. So if we’re using the AVENGERS invasion, can the Doctor deal with that? It would certainly be two very different stories. Superman would solve the problem by punching it, but the Doctor would wait, and let the aliens form their dystopian state in Cardiff, and then he’d find a loophole, like the aliens are all allergic to peanut butter or whatever, and then he would destroy them. He’d have Joaquin Phoenix swing his bat inside a circle of peanut butter jars, and no one could plan that as effectively as Tom Baker. Except Mel Gibson’s character’s dead wife, and she’s dead, so we need Tom Baker.
Rob: That is the strangest justification I’ve ever heard, but I think you’re 100% correct. Tom Baker would completely out-plan Superman. All Loki would need to beat Superman is some Kryptonite, and I could totally see Loki getting some. He’d have a whole monster made of Kryptonite.
Dan: The other thing you’ve got to consider is the collateral property damage the Avengers caused in their defense of Manhattan. Somebody actually crunched the numbers on this, and it’s just astronomically stupid. Tom Baker would be able to beat the invasion, albeit with a period of alien-ruled dystopia, without causing any of that property damage. So he’s friendlier on the environment as well. He’s the “green” choice.
Rob: Also, the property damage is where you’d start tricking Superman. Superman is so concerned about collateral damage that this leaves a ton of openings for the aliens to get their Kryptonite onto him. Loki would say, “Look, I’m knocking this building down on top of a kindergarten,” and then he’d walk right into their trap to save the kids.
Rob: So I think Tom Baker wins it.
Dan: Okay. But can I say that now I want to see some Avengers-style mashup fan fiction with the Doctor and Tommy Lee Jones and Sigourney Weaver and Will Smith and Starbuck all working together?
Rob: That would be phenomenal. A new Justice League.
Dan: And Neytiri. That would be the best ever.
Rob: I also want to say that Tom Baker has better fashion sense than Superman.
Dan: Everyone on this list has better fashion sense than the man who wears his underwear on the wrong side of his pants.
Rob: So we’re done. Tom Baker wins.
Dan: But you know who the real winner is, is humanity.
Rob: Awwww. Humanity has been saved by a non-human.
Dan: Actually I think the real winner is whatever fan fiction writer takes us up on this and writes the best Avengers mashup ever.
Rob: Then the real winner is us, who gets to read it. But the REAL winner is love and intergalactic peace.
Dan: If the real winner is love then we’re back to Bruce Willis and THE FIFTH ELEMENT.
We have a winner–or do we? Let’s check in with the real expert, Pittacus Lore!
Pittacus has spoken. Thanks for joining us, I AM NUMBER FOUR fans! Let us know who you would have chosen on our Facebook page. Congrats to the Doctor and all our other competitors, and a special thanks to Dan and Rob Wells!