Last time, the humans were the aliens. In this last Round 1 match of the Mogadorian Fighter Challenge, it’s an alien versus a human, but both of them have traveled a little far from home… Dan and Robison Wells officiate as John Carter of Mars takes on Superman!
Dan: So this is the alien who lives among humans, and the human earthling who lives among aliens.
Rob: More importantly, it is the person who derives their power from being on another planet.
Dan: True. Superman uses our yellow sun to get his amazing powers, and John Carter uses the lower gravity on Mars to jump 300 feet and have amazing stamina and other things.
Rob: So the question is: do we even need to argue this one, or does Superman zap John Carter with his laser eyes, and that’s the end?
Dan: But they’re not fighting each other, right? Unless Mars invades Earth at some point, which would be awesome. Except then John Carter would lose all his cool Martian powers.
Rob: John Carter’s only Martian powers are basically that he can jump really far, and he’s strong, and… um…
Dan: Let’s do this: let’s take away their powers and put them back on Krypton. Both of them. They have no powers, they’re both just dudes. In that case, John Carter wins because he knows how to sword-fight, and Superman just knows how to punch people.
Rob: John Carter is a Civil War vet, right?
Dan: Exactly. He’s better trained, he knows what he’s doing; take away their powers and John Carter would win.
Rob: But given their powers, Superman has flight, laser vision, X-ray vision, cold breath, and he can fly around the Earth backwards to reverse time, and on and on. He’s a million times more capable.
Dan: There was a guy online who described the Justice League by saying that if you’re on a team with Superman, you’re about as useful to him as a no-legged dog with its mouth taped shut. Watch any show with Superman on a team, and they have to pull a lot of weird storytelling tricks just to give the rest of the Justice League something to do. He can handle everything by himself, except Kryptonite, which is why his best friend is Batman.
Rob: But that’s a good point, because John Carter doesn’t have a Kryptonite.
Dan: So if our aliens come from a planet with a lot of Kryptonite, and we’ve put all our eggs in the Superman basket, we’re screwed.
Rob: Even so, it seems obvious who we have to pick.
Dan: I have to tell you, I’ve been a John Carter fan basically since I could read, and so just to be difficult I’m going to choose John Carter.
Rob: I think that’s ridiculous. Put Superman into any of the stories of any of the John Carter books, and imagine how much quicker he would solve all the problems.
Dan: Except Superman wouldn’t stick around and become the Jeddak of Jeddaks and the king of Mars like Carter does. He would remove the other political figures without replacing them.
Rob: Are we picking the best alien diplomat or the best alien fighter?
Dan: It almost feels like cheating to have Superman in here at all. But in the end I think we have to go with Superman.
Rob: I think we have to.
Dan: Doggonit. John Carter, I love you. Call me later.
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